Thursday, February 11, 2010

The Battle is Over

I thought there would be mixed emotion over getting a tubal. I had expected it to be an emotional time. Turns out, it has become a relief that wasn't expected.

The night before, Craig and I spent in a hotel because although bad weather hadn't been predicted, I wanted to make sure I made it to the hospital by 7am. We went out to dinner and enjoyed each other's company. We didn't really talk about what was going to happen just enjoyed having some time with just the two of us.

The next morning we rose (not happily as neither of us are morning people) and went to the hospital. I can't recall a single thing we discussed but I know again, we weren't discussing what really was happening.

We got to the hospital and all checked in. Craig was allowed to sit with me until they took me to surgery. We still made small talk but avoided what was really going on. We said our good byes and love yous and he went to wait and I headed for the OR.

I came out of that room feeling pretty much the same. A little sore but nothing a few days of rest wouldn't help.

It is now 5 days later that I realize I am different. Things did change in that OR that day. An emotional weight has been lifted. The battle that has plagued me for the past 4 years on whether to pursue another child is over and there is no turning back. Normally I would think about it at least once a day and go back and forth over pros and cons but that hasn't been the case recently. Today was the first day that I even thought I will never have another child. And instead of being upset or overwhelmed by that idea....I realized that it is okay. Gillian is the only child I need, she couldn't be more perfect. For the first time, I feel the battle is over and I couldn't be happier.

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