Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Ah ha moment!

It isn't a total secret that I have been seeing someone to discuss my struggles with my pregnancy and Gillian's birth. Way back when I originally made the appointment to see someone I was excited to go and move on from my feelings of anxiety and stress. But as the appointment grew closer I became very anxious about talking to a total stranger about myself and my feelings. I share my feelings with very few people so the thought of telling a stranger seemed very uncomfortable. But due to my Mom and husband encouraging me to go, I went to the first appointment. There were tears shed and a diagnosis given. (FYI - I came up with the same diagnosis online) The second visit I didn't even plan on going but again my encouraging family convinced me to continue. The third visit I was really starting to lose hope that talking to someone was going to help. Then it happened....during my fourth visit. The ah ha moment that made sense to me why people seek help from someone that could be considered a stranger and why it works. I'm not even sure how the conversation started but we were discussing my pregnancy and whether I wanted more children. I told her that I wanted another child but it was not realistic and explained how I had seen numerous doctors and all of them had advised against it. We discussed the reasons that I wanted another child....I couldn't really come up with any. I explained to her how Gillian was perfect, she makes it easy to want another. The stranger reminded me that having another baby didn't guarantee me the second child would be exactly like Gillian. She reminded me that although they may have similar characteristics that their personalities could be totally different. That the second child could have totally different struggles than the 1st, for example colic, allergies, etc. Did I really want the responsibility of another child? Now this will sound selfish but it isn't the baby I want, its the normal pregnancy. And I blurted this out at the doctor. The big belly, the pregnant pictures, the baby shower before the baby comes, being wheeled out of the hospital with my child, the list could go on and on. It was like a light bulb went off and so much stress melted away. And sharing it out loud made it so much more amazing for me. We talked about why I have the right to feel this way, how I was robbed of something so precious and how having another child wouldn't solve the problem.

So now I enjoy going to see my "friend". We talk about what I went through, struggles I have had then & now. She is amazed by how close and supportive our families have been to Craig, Gillian and I. She said we are lucky that most people do not have that. I know how lucky we are and I'm so thankful for all of you:)

We also talk about the positives that have come out of the situation. We talk about Team Gillian, I told her my donating blood story which she enjoyed, I explained reasons that I think Gillian was raised differently than if she had been born full term. When I found out I was pregnant I looked at it wrong. I was trying to figure out how she would fit into our lives not how we would fit into hers. The struggles that we went through made us appreciate everything so much more. I started to look at life so much different. My career no longer mattered, having the big house, the nice cars, the brand new clothes didn't matter anymore. All that mattered was Gillian's health and happiness. I guess it is telling someone else the stuff I'm proud of and the stuff that I'm not so proud of as a parent that can be so stress relieving. I leave her office feeling like I left some weight there.

Lucky lotto number for the players out there - 961

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