Emotionally Traumatic

So a friend of mine is in college and she has a class project where she has to interview someone about a traumatic emotional experience that could be happy or sad. She asked me to be her guinea pig which I didn’t mind. I know she asked because most people know about my situation with Gillian although I don’t discuss it as much with people that weren’t around during that time in my life, it does come out. So I accepted and immediately became extremely nervous about talking about it but somehow felt special that she asked.

So I knew all day at some point she was going to interview me and I was nervous like I was looking for a job. The interview went good. She asked what I wanted to talk about it which of course I said my experience with Gillian and she asked why and I of course said it has had a huge impact. We discussed the background, what exactly happened. We discussed how the situation effected my life, my relationship, how it impacted my parents, in-laws and siblings. Basically it was a therapy session in 20 minutes with no crying….bonus for me! I know she got the information she needed which was my emotional reaction to the questions and I actually gained some insight which I hadn’t expected.

First, I now realize that when I talk about my situation with Gillian from finding out I was pregnant until she was out of the hospital and even discussing speech and PT I look away. I can’t look at the person I’m talking to because I become choked up and start tearing up so it is much easier to look away.

Second, was that I really have been through a lot. I guess because it was a part of my life and I got through that I didn’t really look at the big picture. Obviously I realize the situation wasn’t normal but it amazes me to see the facial expressions when I tell the story or share parts of the story. Most people’s reaction is stunned and most responses are, “How did you do it?” Usually, I reply, “I don’t know.” Because I don’t really have an answer, I did the best I could with a terrible situation. It’s the aftermath that is ripping me up. All the what ifs and whys that constantly keep my mind going all the time. But I’m determined to get through this too.